Visser Three's Memo
by risika-dragon
Summary: Inspired by V3's Jounal trilogy by Sin, this is about the love of two Vissers...add in the Iniss and Ellie, stir in insanity, and put in a pinch of Risika. Following up Purgatory Bust
1. Albinos and Dragons

I'm baaaaaack! For those of you who haven't read "Purgatory Bust" or **Sinister Shadow's **"Visser Three's Diary" or "Visser Three's Journal", this might not be your kind of story…yet.

Okay, everyone's favorite fivesome--is that a word?--is included in this marvelous edition: **Visser Three, Visser One, Iniss 226, Ellie, **and **Councilor Eight**! Read and see what chaos can befall the funny, horny, insane group, with some help from a certain Dragon. So…shall we?

This piece is dedicated to **Sinister Shadow **for being such a great author of both humor and angst, especially with the V3 trilogy, and **Darth Vader es cool 5 **with his two awesome pieces, "Defiled Heart" and "Visser Three's Diary two". As well as anyone else who's reviewed my stories, especially **GimeGohan** and **Brutal2003 **with their in depth questions on "The Demons".

**Warning: Do not, I mean, DO NOT READ THIS IIIIF: You do not want to see limes and lemons activity, high levels of violence, religious propaganda, nasty language, and/or Iniss acting like a perverted idiot.**

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Memo Number 1:

Am I supposed to say "Dear Memo" or "Hello Memo" or "Listen to me, you worthless piece of Andalite filth"? I'm not too sure. Why is it that everyone knows how to greet diaries, journals, or even, God forbid, _notebooks, _but not memos? Oh well, it's probably one of life's unfinished questions, like the Holy Grail or where my chocolate disappeared this time.

Anyways, have I mentioned how TOTALLY great it is to be back? No, not to you, you dapsen, the Blade Ship! I've been in New York for the past week.

You're probably thinking, "What's so bad about that? New York's awesome, and at least it isn't Mexico." Well, if that's what's on your mind, YOU ARE RE-TARD-DED. For one: I had to spend it with Visser One, my greatest nemesis of all time, always getting in the way of the rank _I_ deserve. Two, there was also that psycho path R-D who got us arrested for "inconceivable behavior" in public. Three, before the Big Apple, I got sent to Purgatory.

Okay, before I explain, I am noooot crazy! We got hit by a Mack truck, all three of us, and were sent to this astral-travel, anti-existence place where we had to pay off debts--or what humans call "sins". Anyways, in the end we learned our lesson, got sent back to Earth in our bodies, and GOD HELP ME, if anyone, ANYONE at all, reads this, I'll throw you out the nearest airlock. I'm not getting sent to the cuckoo house, you hear me? I'm not insane!

Ahem, um, anyways…

Before I go on, I'd like to add something about R-D, which is shortened for "Risika-Dragon". She's a nutcase, an insane, weird, freaky, crazy wackodoo. Think of the guy on the street who's muttering about the Apocalypse. Well, R-D makes that guy sane. So, if you ever see a brunette scarfing tacos, wielding a baseball bat, and cursing out on The Da Vinci Code, just run. Run for your sorry ass life.

Anyways, back to my own life, where I have a perverted, crazy P.A. named Iniss 226, and a freakishly annoying, pink-addicted intern named Ellie…I forgot the number. What? Why should I remember? She's worse than Iniss, because she's _attracted_ to _him_. Let me repeat, out of all the young, decent males in the Yeerk Empire, she's got the hots for that DORK! Not that I really care or anything.

I mean, it would be like me caring about Visser One and Councilor Eight. I hate her and hope that guy rapes her bad, even if she has that perfectly shaped host body with that soft, long ebony hair I adore…

Um, you DID NOT read that. Moving on…

It was twelve o' clock in the morning. How do I know? Because I'm the only Andalite-Controller and Andalites have the ability to keep track of time, DUH. Wow, you're really slow today, Memo. Even Norm knows that…maybe…he's a little…okay, a LOT special. Not in a "he's so cute, can I pet him," special, but a "are you retarded, you moron" special? I mean, I caught the guy trying to make moves on Visser One. Not that I care about her, I just hold up some gentlemen virtues. You didn't know that either? Well, you were probably brainwashed by those freakin' Andalite Bandits.

Anyways, it was 12:00 a.m. exact, right when I had for ONCE fallen asleep and was enjoying a dream that involved frying up some Andalites and eating Ani-burgers. _Delicious_. Though, it was weird, what with the whole Andalite-Controller thing going on. Am I cannibal, or something? Whatever, they were juicy and yummy.

I was getting to the part where I found the Andalite bandits and…

"Visser, LIKE HELP!" Ellie screamed.

WHUMP! I rolled out of bed and did a face plant on the tiled floor of my room. Why hadn't I listened to Councilor Four and had it carpeted? I climbed to my hooves, very PISSED OFF now as you'd guess, and stumbled into the living room-sorta place of my apartment.

(What's the matter this time, Ellie?) I yawned and rubbed my eyes. (Forget to lock your door on Iniss again?)

Ellie was on top of a stool in a frilly pink nightgown, pointing frantically at the ground in her panic. "No, like no, V-v-visser Three. There's like a snake or something crawling on the floor! AH! Get it away, like get it away!"

Yeah, you see, Ellie is the ultimate version of a girly-girl. She always wears pink something with her red hair, has to include "like" in every sentence, and apparently, is deathly afraid of serpents. Again, why me, Akdor?

(Ellie, for one, snakes don't crawl, they slither.) Thank you Animal Planet, for your ever winding wisdom on Earth's creepy crawlies. (Two, who by Seerow's Kindness, would have a _snake_ on the Blade Ship? We don't even bring cats.)

Yeah, you see, the Andalite Bandits tried to spy on us using an Earth feline morph in Iniss's human shelter. I told him to kill it, but noooo, the dapsen thought he was soooo right. In believing that, the little monsters escaped our clutches AGAIN. Damn, it feels like some kind of mentally challenged Pok'e'mon episode when it comes to them, with us being Team Rocket. Maybe we do need a cat… I heard they had talking ones on the Hork-Bajir homeworld.

Ellie leaped off the stool and pounced on me, trying to stay on me and off the ground. Teeth chattering, she stuttered, "L-l-like, it's on th-the f-fl-floor! Under th-the c-c-couch!"

(Fine,) I grumbled and kneeled down behind the couch. I lifted the flap and peered underneath.

_Hsss…_

Two, beady black eyes glared at me and the snake flickered a little, black tongue at me, tickling my slitted nostrils.

(Holy shit,) I grumbled. (You were right for once.)

"AAAAHHHH! Like, kill it, kill it!" Ellie cried and grabbed my eyestalks.

(OW! Let go, you dapsen! OW! Get off, off!) I bucked wildly and she only held on tighter. Ever watch one of the Spanish idiots straddle a bull and stay on for eight seconds? Ellie would've won that contest, because she wouldn't LET GO! (YOUCH! You're going to PULL my EYE STALKS OUT! Let go, let go!)

"Kill it, kill it!" Ellie whimpered, for once not saying "like".

Iniss decided to come in that moment, watching the pair of us with an awed amusement and cocking his head to the side. "Visser, what're you and Ellie doing?" He slammed a fist in his open palm. "I know, I know, an Egyptian sex dance!"

(WHAT!) I cried, rearing my back legs up to try to knock Ellie off.

Iniss cowered and hid behind a chair, before I "_accidentally_" kicked him in the face. He whimpered, "I thought we were playing charades!" He continued to stare like the dumbass he was. "So, what're you doing?"

Ellie decided to be kind enough to answer. "THERE'S LIKE A SNAKE ON THE FLOOR! KILL IT, KILL IT, KILL IT!" She wasn't kind enough to NOT scream in my ears. Ow.

"A sn-sn-snake?" Iniss cried and jumped on the chair. "Where? Where? Where?" He started slapping his back, butt, and stomach. "It's on me, isn't it! It's on me, oh Kandrona! Get it off, get it off!"

So there we were, in the night's usual insanity. Me bucking and kicking, trying to knock my intern off my already sore back, while Iniss slapped his own self silly and screamed and bawled like a fricking infant. Shoot me.

"Silas!" a new voice cried.

Oh no, oh no. You know how those people were freaking out in Jurassic Park when the water rippled in the glass as the T-rex came closer? Multiply that by a MILLION! See, I recognized that voice, the one that brought up thoughts of Purgatory in my nightmares. I turned around to see…

"VISSER THREE!" R-D rushed over to me, even as I was still wrestling with Ellie, and grabbed my hand, shaking it crazily like the asylum refugee she was. "Good to see you, my blue-centaur friend! Have you seen Silas?"

(Does he happen to have scales and a forked tongue!) I asked.

R-D beamed, grinning widely at me. "Yes, yes! Where is he?"

(Under--OW!--the--OW! Get her off me!)

R-D jumped forward and wrapped her arms around Ellie's stomach, wrenching her off, but managing all three of us to fall over in a tangle of legs and arms and tail. As you may have guessed, Iniss was still freaking out, ignoring us.

I sighed and pointed at the couch. (He's under the sofa.)

R-D reached under and groped for "Silas". Let me remind you, Memo, it was a SNAKE. Knowing that nutcase, it was probably a poisonous one, a dangerous one, like a cobra or mamba or rattlesnake. Don't ask me how she'd get one, all I know is that it wouldn't be done legally.

R-D pulled her hand out, latched onto the middle of a pale, yellowish serpent about four-and-a-half-feet long. She cuddled the snake and kissed it's snout. Kee-issed it's fricking snout! "Aww, were you scared? Poor, wittle Silas, the scary pink lady frightened you!" She let the snake wrap around her belly and hugged it's head. "Mommy's here!"

It just made you want to either go "aw" too or puke. R-D was treating a serpent like a three-year-old baby, wearing black jeans and a similar black top with "BITE ME!" in red on the front.

"Visser Three, meet Silas, Silas, meet Visser Three," R-D cooed. "He's an _albino _boa constrictor. Isn't he beautiful? I found him all alone in a little box in an animal jail. It was horrible! All the food they gave him were tiny mice. The inhumanity! He needs birds and rats and squirrels and rabbits to grow!"

(How did you get here?) I asked. (Visser One and I left you on the subway in New York! How did you get to California, find a Bug Fighter or whatever, and make it into my Blade Ship?)

"Hmm…" R-D blinked. "I forget. But it wasn't easy, I can tell you that. And I made a little, erm, pit stop at a certain barn." She chuckled at whatever dumb joke it was.

Iniss stopped leaping around for one SECOND and stared at R-D. "Who are you?"

Oh yeah, Visser One and I had also decided to keep R-D in with the Purgatory secret.

"My name is Risika-Dra--" She stopped and blinked for a moment, shaking her head. "I mean, this HUMAN host is Risika Dragonnair, but my Yeerk name is Rissa 626. I'm Visser Three's new secretary." She did a little salute for me. "Reporting for duty, _SIR_!"

And that's how I'll end this Memo. Now, not only do I have a girly intern and a pussy personal assistant, now I've got an insane secretary and her snake. Whoopee for me. Right now she's sleeping on the sofa with Silas curled around her. I hope it strangles her a little. Anyways, since it might sound saner by a degree, I'll just call her "Rissa" instead of "R-D", until I find some lowlife willing to host her.

But then, she knows about the secret of Purgatory so… Crap. Guess we'll have to keep her free, for now…

She better not screw up the plans the Council of Thirteen set up for the Noorena galaxy, which they're sending themselves and the top twenty Vissers to. See, the Hork-Bajir army we have is okay, but these Noorens apparently are cooler and better--well, anything's better than a stupid Hork-Bajir host. Well, maybe not a Taxxon. Ew.

I'll be signing off for now, Memo. I need my sleep since we'll be there in two days. Two days before I have to confront that evil witchy whore bitch, Visser One. Yawn, okay, good night, sleep tight, don't let Silas bite. Hey, wait, are boas stranglers or biters?

Another question for another day. Or very, very, early morning.

Okay, I'm rambling, time for sleep.

Until my return,

Visser Three, Esplin 9466

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**So, how was it Sin? Darth? Should I go on with this little insanity? NO MARY SUES, YAY! Anyways, as always, R&R, or PM me, or both.**


	2. SPACE BATTLE!

Sorry, but Aldrea returned from Purgatory and I bargained another few years on my life by handing over the disclaimer. No, I don't have a clue either of what she'll do to it. Probably use it to scrub toilets…

As I've said before, later on in this story, not the main plot or anything, but a few chapters will make sense if you've read my other fic, "**Purgatory Bust**."

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Memo Number 2:

Since I can't decide on what the heck to start off with, I'm sticking with "Memo Number Whatever." No, not "whatever", but a number! Geez, are you that stupid? I mean, "Dear..." is left for diaries, journals, and notebooks, and I'm not going to say "Hello..." because since barely greet anyone ALIVE with that word, I figure I'm not going to waste my kindness (or my sanity for that matter) on YOU.

But don't go! I'm sure you'll just LOVE how my day started, prolonged and finally ended. There's no other Visser with as much mayhem in his or her life (unfortunately). Well, maybe Visser One, but she already hangs around me too much so I must be rubbing off on her. Councilor Four must be immune…

Except for that little incident in Purgatory…

Now where was I?

It's been two days, TWO FRICKING, GOD FORBID DAYS, since we caught Rissa hitching a ride on my Blade Ship (or rather, she caught us minding our own business. Either way, I'm not telling the Council of Thirteen either story.) So far, not TOO much chaos has insured on my ship. Just a few, erm, tiny, teeny, insignificant things… HAH! I knew curiosity would best you! Well, Iniss is trying to set up a camera in the girl's bathroom, Ellie won't stop screaming at Rissa to toss the boa into Zero-space, and I found Silas in my oatmeal cupboard (though I found out sooner than later what he was DOING in there.) Like I said, nothing short of the usual chaos.

This morning started off as one of those…

I had popped in a bowl of my daily grass and instant maple-and-ginger oatmeal in the microwave. Not the stove. Of course no one told me this until I caught a Taxxon drooling on my favorite spot in the command center of the ship. They always _drool_. Duh. But I hate standing in a damn POOL of SALIVA. YUCK!

Ellie was chomping down pink waffles--people ask me how I'm losing my sanity, well, look at the MORONS I have to PUT UP WITH! Iniss was no where to be found. Coughcheckthegirlsrestroomcough. Rissa walked into the small kitchen, wearing an ALL TOO _revealing_ bathrobe, with Silas twined around her left arm, tongue flickering in her ear.

Ellie glowered at her. "Like, can you put that snake like in a cage?"

"Can you stop saying 'like' every three seconds?" Rissa returned sweetly and nuzzled the snake's chin. She reached into the refrigerator and grabbed an apple.

"Can you keep your like, damn radio down at MIDNIGHT?" Ellie menacingly stabbed her fork into her waffles, drawing a line of sticky, thick syrup. "I like _hate_ Black Eyed Peas and Nickelback!"

"Can you leave some damn HOT water in the shower?" Rissa bit off _half_ of her apple and gulped it down. "I thought I got dropped off in the Iraq desert at _night_ with those damn sand monkeys!"

Not again. I opened the microwave door and pushed in another bowl of delicious oatmeal. Wait, for the sake of the migraine likely to insure soon, I decided maybe three bowls would be okay. Maybe four? No, Memo, I don't have an ADDICTION!

"Ugly Goth," Ellie grumbled.

"Stuck up prep," Rissa hissed.

"Why like can't you keep it in like your room or something?" Ellie snarled, fingers curled tightly around her silver, metallic weapon.

BEEP! I snatched the steaming bowls out of the microwave oven and stuffed all FOUR of my hooves into the sweet oats.

"Excuse me, it's _Silas_ to _you_, and wishes don't just come true, _princess_," Rissa growled. She set Silas down on the counter and took a wire mesh cage out of the cupboard next to my blessed oats, full of…RABBITS? Well, at least it explained why I found the snake in the box… She let one out and set Silas on the ground to chase it. It better not shit on _my_ floor! "Last night, I wished you'd go to hell."

Ellie grinded her teeth. "And I wished you'd go to Purgatory!"

Suddenly, Rissa burst out laughing, rolling on the floor and choking on her apple. Sorry, it wasn't _past_ tense. "HAH! Hoohooheeheee, been there, done that. It was actually kind of fun, if you look past that Hall of Horrors crap."

"Like, what're you talking about?"

Rissa chuckled. "Well, when Visser One and Three went to Pennsylvania, we all three got kinda killed and _you _ended up as Visser Three's parole--"

I sort of foresaw this as the part to step in. (Would you two SHUT UP already?) I growled, kicking the empty bowls away from me. (We're going to be docking on the Noorena planet in five minutes. After I try to explain how some dapsen ended up as my secretary to EVERYONE there, _then _you can kill each other. Just don't stain the floor.)

Rissa nodded and smirked, grabbing another apple out of my fridge. "Hobey-ho, V-Man."

Ellie cocked her red-headed self at us. "Like Visser, what was she like talking about?"

(Nothing. Forget it. She's insane,) I grumbled.

"Don't blame me. Besides, we have a special, more supplicated name for my kind, 'bipolar,'" Rissa sniffed. "_Nobody knows the troubles I've_--"

BAM! BAM! BAM! BAM! BAM!

(It's called a DOORbell, moron!) I shouted.

DINGDINGDINGDINGDING! DONG!

Sigh. Why do I even try?

(Come in already!) I roared. (Before I run you over with a Mack truck!) That got a snicker from Rissa, and a sidelong look from Ellie.

There was silence for a moment. Then the door slid to the side automatically, with a nervous, stupid Hork-Bajir standing there, shifting from one foot to the other. He looked like a little kid sent to the Principle's office. Why does everyone think I'm _evil_ when I've only decapitated a…_few_ people?

(Well…? Are you going to stand there all day?)

The Hork-Bajir finally cleared his throat. "Sargimf 362, sir. The Blade Ship captioned by Visser One has, um, petitioned for our aid against two Andalite Dome ships, the KaflitCry and the HoofCrusher. By your orders, we will jump out of Zero-space and assist them, or send a transmission to the base on Noreena." He peered at the stainless steel floor, as if it was so interesting. Well, to a Hork-Bajir, it probably WAS. "_Sir_?"

I was a little amazed a damn Hork-Bajir--even a _Controller_--had put together more than "Visser One want help. We help, yes or no?" Probably a seer, one of those freaks in the Hork-Bajir population. Hey, didn't those fugitives Jara Hamee and his wife have some kid named Toby?

Wait, wasn't that kid Elfangor had named Tobias?

Weird name. Must be popular to those people. Anyways…

(Yeah, let's call up the Council and tell them us pitiful dapsens need their gracious help,) I said. The Hork-Bajir turned to leave. (No YOU IDIOT! Turn our coordinates around and let's cremate some Andalites. I'll be down in a sec.) I rubbed my temple, which had begun to throb strangely.

The Hork-Bajir left and I turned to see that Ellie had somehow vanished. FIGURED. Rissa hadn't taken the hint and was standing there, jaw wide open. Drooling. "_Who_ was _that_ HUNK?"

I decided to leave that question unanswered. Whatever sick, twisted fantasies she had running around in her head, I _DID NOT _want to know. I dashed out of my quarters and headed down the hallway, tailed by Rissa and some random Taxxon guy. Joe, maybe?

"Hey, Visser Three, you know how you have all those Bug Fighters just _lying _around?" Rissa asked. "I was wondering if I could, you know, drive one of--"

(NO!)

"Or could I man one of the Dracon cannons control stations?"

(DOUBLE NO!)

We reached the diamond-shaped end of the Blade Ship, with Hork-Bajir, Taxxons, and humans madly screwing with switches and buttons and control pads, while Sargimf gave out my orders. Rissa grinned slyly and ran over to the Hork-Bajir, grabbing him and chatting excitedly. Well, one problem solved…

The ship sailed out of Zero-space, back into the black and star dotted reality. Not far away, Visser One's Blade Ship stumbled like an intoxicated Gedd, while two Andalite Dome ships circled like a pair of hungry, blood thirsty sharks. Adrenaline coursed through my veins, my brain sizzling with anger and fury and giddiness. (That last one I blame on the Quaker.) If anyone was going to kill Visser One, it was ME, not some clumsy, dumb Andalites.

And Andalites ARE dumb. Take crappy Dome junk ship jokes. Whereas my ship looks like an awesome medieval Earth battleaxe, those things resemble stick with big ass fat bubbles on one end. If it weren't for a damn force shield, someone could throw a rock at the glass orbs and they'd shatter, sending those grass munchers careening into space. How they became the dominant species of the galaxy, I'll never know. Or understand for that matter. What is wrong with the Universe?

(Prepare Dracon cannon,) I commanded. (Set to maximum power setting. Pinpoint the main engines catch them by surprise! Ready, aim…fire!)

Tseeeeeew! Tseeeeew!

One of the Dome ships spotted us, abandoning its partner, and deflecting our Dracon beams at the last possible second with its force fields around the lower half, and zoomed towards us. Oh, shizzles. I could practically see the PO'd Andalites wandering what Yeerk _idiot_ would shoot on a full-powered Dome ship.

_My_ kind of idiot.

One of the humans studying a screen of assorted locations and lines turned his balding head towards me. Ew, is that grease on his top? "Visser, the Andalites are verifying a communication link with us. Open transmission, permission granted or denied?"

(Open the link. We may as well have a little chat with these hoofed morons,) I said. _Hoofed morons_, hah! Oh, for the love of…please don't tell me…that I…

An ugly, scarred Andalite head without both eyestalks and its left ear and with a long pale cut like a mouth across its face, bobbed onto screen. Just great. Out of all those clowns, I get Scarface. In fact… Memo, you're going to love this part. (Hey, Hoofy, say 'ello do my liddle friends,) I said and laughed. Laughed OPENLY that is. I felt a tingling sensation through my spine and mind. Crap! The oatmeal! Oh dammit, I hope no one was recording this…

(Ah, so you are the Abomination,) Scarface impersonator said, with that stick-up-the-ass tone I'd associated especially for furry, blue centaurs. (I was informed you were a…smart mouth.) I guess he had heard a couple _other _phrases said about me.

(No I'm not,) I said, shaking my head and wagging my stalk eyes. Please, someone save me from the humiliation! (How can I be? I don't have a MOUTH!) I swear to Purgatory, it was the maple-and-ginger. I couldn't help myself, Memo…

Scarface chuckled at me. (It will be a great pleasure destroying the only Andalite-Controller.) His green eyes flashed dangerously. (This is for all the crimes you've committed against the Electorate!)

(What crimes?) I scoffed. (Is it for all the songs I downloaded off the Anda-net? Well, Shoolo-Nasgalaa-Whatthefuck is no Shakira, you pompous freak!) I caught myself before I tripped over my hooves. (N-now stand still, so we can finish you off! I mean all THREE of you dapsens. Stop spinning!)

(Powerup Shredder beams,) Scarface ordered his people, loud enough for us to hear. A couple low ranked Taxxons hissed in fear and…why does everyone have to urinate and drool on my floor?

(Well, you know what? I've got three words for each of you, sonny: Fuck you…w-w-wait.) I counted on my fingers. (I mean, fuck you _sir_!)

Scarface suddenly scrunched up his face. (Are you…drunk?) I guess he saw how my eyes had turned blue, the way every Andalite's (or Andalite-Controller's) did when they had a few too many drinks (or bowls of maple-and-ginger). Or maybe it was the way I kept tipping.

I glared at him. The arrogance, the NERVE of him. (I AM _not_ DRUNK!) I swung to the side, and managed to keep on my hooves. (Okay, maybe I AM! But I'm not guilty, I'm certainly, definitely, absolutely innocant…innorent…inno--It's not my fault! It was the evil, insane dragon from Purgatory that eats tacos!)

Scarface shrugged. (Whatever. Prepare to die, Yeerk filth. I'll be sure to report your death to the--what the SOFOR?)

I turned a hazy visioned stalk eye towards the commotion. A couple was making out in a weird manner against the wall. Now, I understand. When you're facing imminent death, there's nothing wrong with getting it on. Except that the two weren't the same species. One was human, the other Hork-Bajir.

(Rissa and Sargimf, sitting in a Nawin, K-I-S-S-I-N-G,) I sang, then noticed how Sofor was going stupefied as the two munched on each other's tongues. Andalites think they're so high ad mighty, that nay relationship expressed openly and with two different creatures was wrong, but that didn't matter. He was distracted! Hah, hah! (FIRE!)

Tseew! Tseew! Tseew! Tseew! Tseew!

BOOOOM!

Yes, a hit! One of the Andalites' ship engines blew to kingdom come and was followed by a crazed (AAAHHH!) as they spun out of control. At the last moment, the Domeship popped into Zero-space. Visser One's Blade Ship, now severely mangled, had fended off the other Dome ship, sending the Andalites running.

And during this, I heard a certain dragon murmur, "Did you--um--hear something?"

And a certain Hork-Bajir answer, "Nope. I--um, um…"

And so that concluded the first, last, and only battle in Andalite and Yeerk history involving no one dying, a transpecies couples smacking lips and beak in the corner, and an oat-mealized leader smart thought-spoking the enemy.

But that last bit is between you and me, Memo….

Now to go and boast in Visser One's face.

Over and out.

Until my return,

Visser Three, Esplin 9466

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Next chapter involves working on teamwork, a dream, and Iniss in a closet!

To my reviewers:

Sinister Shadow: Change it? And not pollute the young minds on this site? Sin, that is sick. No, don't try to apologize, how dare you!

Voodooqueen125: Now, I couldn't have left it off with just that!

Kadacu: YAY! Another fan. Hey, for future reference, please review Purgatory Bust, since some parts ARE influenced by that story. Especially V3's little decision.

So, over and out. Hobey-ho, everyone!


	3. Closets and Teamwork

Memo Number 3:

Sorry, I had to stop writing after a certain P.A. of mine ran into my room, screaming and whimpering, while a certain duo of secretary and intern chased after him, carrying knives and pink batons. UGH. I guess I was having dejavu…or whatever it's called. Well, it only happened like FIVE hours ago… Oh, you want to hear that story? Well duh, I'll tell you! You're my fricking memo! I just hope that stupid dapsen Edriss doesn't read you like she did my poor diary. Weep weep. She stole it's innocence!

Anyways, after the space battle, I had sped back to my room and chugged down SEVEN cups of coffee…which did nothing. So I tried some of those "aspirin" pills Visser One uses, which not only relieved my head, but my bowels as well. Now that's what I call double action prescription!

So after my toilet was relinquished from the hell-hooves, I trotted back into my room…and think I had a vision. Yeah, no duh. Be warned, this is some scary crap I'm about to unleash…no! The other kind! I just did that…can we move on?

There was a human, seemingly shrouded in shadow despite the shower of moonlight from above…oh god, now I'm starting to sound like a spastic poet, again, but that was what she looked like. She was on some kind of stage, continually swaying and dancing to some unheard music. The only thing I could make out was her face, pale as the moon, with a blindfold wrapped around her face.

I could even make out some of the music after a few minutes…

_So don't bother  
I won't die of deception  
I promise you won't ever see me cry  
Don't feel sorry_

And don't bother  
I'll be fine  
But she's waiting  
The ring you gave to her will lose its shine  
So don't bother, be unkind

I had the strangest sense that I should recognize the song, but oh well.

(Do I know you?) I asked, as she leaned out over her stage and curled her fingers toward me, beckoning almost.

"Your most hated friend, your most adored foe," she whispered as if in a trance. "Do you not see? How do you not know?"

Oh no, not another rhyme game.

(You're wearing a blindfold…) I pointed out.

"Only you can remove it, reveal the truth within us," she murmured softly, falling to her knees, breaking the dance and music. "Before our heated hearts freeze, our armored souls rust." She tilted her head to the side, spilling out waves of black hair. Black hair I strangely longed to touch…to smell…yet…

(Who are you?) I asked.

She smirked almost slyly at me. "You already know me…better than anyone can see…"

(But tell me…)

The woman nodded and reached out a hand, stroking the side of my cheek. "My name is…STUPID DAPSEN!"

_Huh?_

"Get up you moron! How can you fall asleep now!"

The moon above shriveled in upon itself, the night froze and shattered, and the mysterious dancer faded before my dream-state eyes, blowing away into the wind. I woke up instead to see…the most horrible, annoying creature on this side of the Naga galaxy. The one person who could leave me screaming for Purgatory…

(Visser One, get out of my room! Wait, what're you doing on my Blade Ship anyway!) I hollered. (Did you not read the sign? Only people with this much intelligence--) I pressed my thumb and forefinger together. (--can get on. DUH!)

"For one thing, you were so slow in getting those damn Andalites that they managed to shred and blast apart my own ship's engines, so despite my need for a gun to shoot myself, I had to get on your own Blade Shit," Visser One snarled.

There was knock against my wall and we turned to see T.O., her faithful Taxxon P.A. nod enthusiastically toward her. She sent him a look full of enough venom to knock a viper out cold. "And, again despite my better judgment, I think it would be very _honorable _to thank you for…_saving_ us." She spat the last two words out, glaring at T.O.

(They got you on anger management duty now, huh, Edriss?) I asked.

Visser One sniffed the air and gagged. "Do they have you on laxatives? Blech."

(Shut up. I tried some of those pills of yours to get the oatmeal frenzy out of my head.)

Visser One paled a couple shades. "Which pills exactly?"

(The aspirins you have lying around everywhere, especially in your bedroom.) I won't indulge in how I know what's in her bedroom, just believe me. (Does Councilor Eight really give you such nasty headaches? Geez.)

Visser One gaped. "Those aren't aspirins…they're my bir--you don't wanna know."

Suddenly…

"INISS I'M GOING TO SKIN YOU ALIVE AND FEED YOU TO A TAXXON!" I heard Rissa shout.

"Now I find that awfully racissst to my ssspeciesss," T.O. groaned, his usual fluent English slurred with his natural Taxxon tongue.

"LIKE, I'M GOING TO LIKE SET YOUR HOST BODY ON FIRE!" Ellie screeched.

Now, guess who broke into my room next? Iniss of course. He spun around and locked the door, dashing over to my closet and leaping inside. _Click_. T.O., Visser One, and I shared dubious looks, then inched over to my closet.

"SARGIMF, BREAK DOWN THE DAMN DOOR!" Rissa howled, banging my door.

"I am wondering what you have done to upset those ladies out there, Iniss 226," T.O. said, though there was still the ominous underlying hiss. "What in the Living Hive's life source have you screwed with now?"

There was a loud tremble inside the small space. "All I did was set up a surveillance camera in one of the restrooms…for security reasons, I assure you," Iniss sniffed. "And you know how some females react to such things, despite the fact that I did it in case immanent danger were to attack them."

"In the lavatory?" Visser One asked.

"WAH!" Iniss cried. "Why are they so cruel to me? So angry? I didn't do anything to them, I swear by my dead parents' carcasses!"

Translation: Iniss is hornier then Bill Clinton and decided to "Watch and protect" the girls by setting up cameras for human/Yeerk porn. Unfortunately, the fool had used one of those human scrap pieces that's bigger then my HEAD and one of the ladies stumbled over it. Now they wanted blood. Lots of it.

Which meant they'd wreck my room in order to find him.

I had to DO something!

(I,er, understand, Iniss. I really do, I sympathize for you, you poor, sex deprived coward,) I said as kindly as I could muster. Come on, this was Inisss! I think I was doing an okeey-dokeey job.

"Of course you sympathize with him," Visser One sneered.

I ignored her. _Save the room, Esplin, only you can do so_. (But you have to step up for your mistakes.)

"V-v-visser, they're holding knives, baseball bats, and Silas against me," Iniss argued.

(Then let's start out with the baby steps,) I recommended. (First, you're going to walk out of the closet.)

"But why?" Iniss asked. I heard some crash in my closet.

Repeat the five steps of Nirvana…breathe…do not morph a mad monster and rip open everyone's guts around here…breathe….

(Because _you _will break something…else. Now get out of the closet Iniss,) I commanded. (You can't hide in because all sane girls, rephrase, all sane girls along with Ellie, Rissa, and Visser One here don't find you, eh, attractive. Now I'm going to count to three. One…two…)

"But I'm not in the closet," Inisss grumbled.

"Then how is he talking to you Iniss?" Visser One drawled.

Screw the five steps. (Open up, right now! I mean it!) I pounded on the door with hands and hooves, whipping my tail, and sadly missing Edriss's head. (OPEN THE DAMN DOOR! GET OUT OF MY FRICKING CLOSET! AAARRGGHHH!)

"Way to take things calmly," Visser One drawled.

"I'm not in the closet! I'm in my happy place!" Iniss cried.

(No one's going to make fun of you! Now, get out NOOOWW!) I hollered.

"Help me Tom Cruise, use your black magic!" Iniss shouted.

CRRRAACCKKK!

Something had shoved against my door and forced it open. I glared out to see a suddenly sheepish looking Sargimf, with Ellie and Rissa running in as if they'd just popped out of a Lord of the Rings film. Rissa had Silas curled over one arm and a knife in the other hand, while Ellie a pink baseball bat menacingly.

"We foight fer middle class!" Rissa shouted in an Irish accent.

---------------------------------

An hour later I had Ellie disarmed and disheartened, and Rissa tied to a wall with a metal chain, chewing on it without success. Iniss hid behind me, smiling submissively at the two and blathering amends. Visser One leaned aginst the wall in my living room, laughing her ass off, while T.O. had somehow disappeared. Sargimf…

(Would you just leave, stupid Hork-Bajir?) I snapped. (I'll make sure Iniss doesn't tape you either.)

Sargimf shook his head, clamped beak lowered in a serious frown. "I have to make sure that dapsen does not try to sexually violate my--" He drifted off, face melting into a dreamy, stupefied look. It didn't take long to figure out the reason.

I groaned. (Stop flirting with Sargimf, Rissa!) She stopped waving her hands teasingly at the Hork-Bajir and frowned at me, going back to gnawing on her chain. (And keep your shirt on!)

"Does she have to Viss--AAHH!" Iniss ran from the roaring Hork-Bajir, climbing onto the table in the middle of the room. "Help me! He's going to kill me!"

I sighed and hit Sargimf in the head with my tail, and he reluctantly stopped slashing out at Iniss's legs. (Okay, except for Visser One over there, I think we need to start working on a very important tool. It's the reason why the Andalites are keeping the war in their favor. It's the thing that saved them from us blasting their tails into the next sun.) I paused for dramatic effect. (Teamwork.)

"I like think Rissa and I like totally teamed up to like stomp Iniss. We're finally like over our like feud," Ellie said in a false cheery voice. Sh sighed. "What like do you have in mind?"

(I have been, erm, reading some self improvement books on working as a team,) I said. (I have set up a few exercises that should help us improve our abilities and teamship.)

"Is that even a word?" Visser One drawled. "Were you reading those New Age healing books I spotted in the kitchen?"

(Those are Ellie's!) I snapped. Calm down Visser Three, don't lose it on this dapsen. I took a deep breath and stretched my tail. There, that's better. I went into the kitchen and came back carrying a red fruit in my left hand and a weapon in the other. (Now, this is an apple. And this is a Dracon beam.)

"Really? Go figure," Visser One commented. "Don't go too fast, I'm not sure I could handle it, oh great teacher."

(I'M JUST DOING AS THE BOOK SAYS! Will you just _leave_?) I growled. I squeezed the apple in my hand and sighed. (Rissa, if you _promise_ not to harm anyone, I'll cut that chain, okay?) The dragon girl nodded, smirking strangely. (Alright then.) FWAPP!

The rope fell away and Rissa pounced on Iniss, beating him mercilessly.

"GET OFF ME! GET OFF ME!" my P.A. cried. "Get off or you'll be sorry!"

"Die, you perverted freak!" Rissa howled. "I'm going to shred your skin, cook it, and make you into a taco!" She laughed manically. Hopefully she was JOKING. "I'm going to--OW! The bastard bit me!"

As if my life needed to sink any lower…

FWAPP! FWAPP! (Enough already! This isn't the Visser Springer show,) I growled. Rissa and Iniss glared at each other, rubbing their sore heads.

"Nice teamwork everyone," Visser One said proudly.

(Okay, now that we've reached a sense of calm stupidity, let's begin. Someone will hold the apple in his or her hand in front of their chest, while another person shoots it off with the Dracon beam,) I explained. (It's supposed to improve accuracy and trust. Now who wants to be the target?)

"And tonight on Jackass…" Visser One began.

(Anyone?)

Sargimf, Ellie, and Rissa's hands shot up.

(Anyone besides Iniss?) I mumbled. Iniss, Rissa, Ellie, and Sargimf glanced at each other, then Ellie got behind Sargimf and knocked him forward. Stupid clumsy tree hugger. (Okay, here you go.) I tossed the apple to him.

"Here…wait, no--I don't--" Sargimf shut his eyes and moaned. He squeezed the small fruit until a stream of juice trickled out. The Hork-Bajir gulped. "Well, I choose the shooter…Rissa?" The girl snatched the Dracon beam from my hands and shook, biting her lip as she moved ten feet away from him. "Don't hit me. That migth cause some dents in our relationship."

I guess they were both somehow blind to the fact that he was a seven-foot-tall, green, scaly, tree reptile, while she was a five-foot-tall, white, fleshly primate.

"Visser Three, you know how great my skills are at driving?" Rissa asked nervously. "Well, I'm so much better with gunwomanship. I make Dick Cheney seem like Robin Hood to tell the truth. Don't make me do it!"

I rolled my eyes and waited for her to shut up. She bit her lip until it bled and…TSEEW! I came out from my spot behind the couch to see the results, seeing the apple blacken and smoke in Sargimf's hand.

"Good shot, Riz," Sargimf implored.

"Oh my good God…it's the Apocalypse," Rissa muttered, staring at the gun in wonder.

(Yeah now hand it over before you hurt someone…unless it happens to be Visser One.) I grabbed the Dracon beam away as she flicked a look at a certain dapsen. (Now who's next? I think Ellie should be the target now, and Iniss can--)

Crunch.

(NO!) I screamed. (That's the only apple I have--HAD!)

Sargimf swallowed the rest of the hot fruit and scuffed his claws across the floor. "Whoops, sorry."

(Never mind…someone clear the room except for the table,) I ordered. Sargimf immediately grabbed the couch and dragged it out, followed by some chairs, a small side table, and the television, probably having a bit of a clue in his pea-brain size head of what I'd do if he screwed up again. Not that I'm cruel or anything. I was saving that apple…tear, tear…

"Ooh, ooh, that's a table, right?" Visser One exclaimed in mock surprise.

(Wow, did you just produce a brain cell?) I shot back. (The point now is for one of you to climb on the table, spread eagle-style style, and fall backwards, trusting the others to catch you. Any volunteers?)

"Like, I'm starting to not like this trust thing," Ellie muttered. " I don't like trust it."

(Thanks for your participation,) I said and yanked her over to the table.

Rissa said in an all-too loud whisper, "Don't worry, Igot a whole pack of silly string in my bag."

Ellie clambered upon the table, shaking like a leaf in the wind, and stood, trembling all the more. "So like, I have to fall off…on purpose?" She whimpered, "And I have to like trust Rissa and Iniss to catch me?" She laughed nervously. "Haha, like, good joke Visser. HAHAHA." She paused and frowned. "You're not like laughing Visser."

I had to get this to work. The Council, especially the person who happened to be my damn guide in Purgatory, were chewing on my tail to get those Andalite Bandits. I also had a very important score to settle. One that involved a primitive camp, a stupid skunk morph, and truckloads of PURPLE juice. You do know what it means when a male Andalite--even a Controller--gets his fur dyed _purple_, don't you?

I still haven't gotten over those screwy feminist Yeerks sending fruit baskets to my ship…with grapes.

(Just fall of now, Ellie,) I said. (We'll catch you.)

"Oh this is gonna be good!" Sargimf cackled, rubbing his hands with glee.

"I don't like wanna fall and hit my head!" Ellie yelped.

(We're not gonna let you fall,) I told her. Rissa laughed. (Quiet Rissa! Now just fall backwards.)

"You're like gonna let me fall!" Ellie whined. "Like, I know it!"

(No we're going to catch you,) I said once more.

"Yeah besides if you do hit your head Ellie it's not like you're going to damage anything," Visser One snickered.

(Edriss you are not helping!) I snapped. (Ellie just fall off the table.)

"No!" she whined. "You're like still gonna drop me!"

(We will not,) I told her.

"Yes you will!"

(No we won't.)

"Yes you will!"

(No we won't now shut up and fall!)

"No!"

(We're not gonna let you fall and hurt yourself!) Mystique snapped. (Right everyone?)

"Maybe," Rissa snickered.

"Oh I like knew it! I'm gonna like die!" Ellie whined.

"Oh for crying out loud!" Sargimf groaned. "I'll do it!" He got up on the table and shoved Ellie off. Ellie landed right on…who else? Me.

"Oh I like guess you did catch me," Ellie gulped as she nervously got off my back. She ran out of the room as I tried to figure out how birds had flown into my apartment. And wouldn't stop CHIRPING!

"Okay, everyone get ready," Sargimf said, starting to sway up on the table. His blades looked ever so sharp and pointy.

(NO!) I screamed as the last sparrow popped.

"I don't want to get skewered," Iniss muttered. Suddenly he perked up. "I'l do it!" We all gave him a 'WTf' look. Iniss jumped onto the table and spread himself out like he was going to make a snow angel. "On _go_, okay?" He started to tip backwards over the edge. "Ready…set…GAHH!" He tripped…

CRASH!

I think you know the rest.

Rissa stood over him and gave him the dapsen sign. "Hey, Iniss, how many fingers do I have up?"

"I-I'm okay.." Iniss said in a dazed voice. "Mommy, I don't wanna play the mean games any more…" He collapsed backwards.

"Iniss, are you alright?" Visser One asked concerned. She kneeled down and tapped him on the shoulder.

"YAYYY!" he cried. "The pretty lady touched me, MOMMY!" He ran straight out of the room, screaming loud enough for every Andalite and Yeerk in the whole GALAXY to hear him.

(I have one more exercise.)

I quickly ran out of the room and brought back some chairs, scattering them across the floor, arranging them in a maze-like pattern. I scooted the table out of the way and stuck a sticky note on the wall opposite us. I grabbed a pillow off the couch and slid it out of its cover, throwing the naked white lump back on the cushions.

"I have a _bad_ feeling about this one," Sargimf predicted.

Rissa nodded, grabbing hold of his wrist. "Yeah, I do too. C'mon, let's go watch Cats with ellie. I always liked the Rum Tum Tugger. And my own version of the song." She winked at the Hork-Bajir. "_Are you blind in the Pool_?"

"_Can you see in through host eyes_?" Sargimf chimed in.

They both started spouting: "_Can you look at an Andalite? Would you sit in his brain? Can you say that your blades…are worse then your cries? Are you right in the fight? When you might lose, not gain? Demonical Yeerks.."_

"I'll do it!" Visser One said. "It sounds interesting."

(Okay, we'll have the blind leading the blind,) I drawled. (Put the blindfold on--the pillowcase, if you're too stupid to notice--and I'll guide you to the other side of the room,) I explained.

She quickly whipped the case around her eyes and I thought…no, couldn't be. Since I won't bore you with the next dumb details like an arrogant Andalite, it actually went…well. I guided her, she found the sticky note and shed the pillow cover.

"You know we could make a good team," Visser One suggested.

Ten seconds…

("Nah.")

So, except for that, my plans of improvement failed. All I had wanted to do was stick the others together.

Should have stuck with the tape and rope idea.

Until my return,

Visser Three, Esplin 9466

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Next chapter: costume party, V3 and V1 dancing, and Cats lyrics, with Iniss as Rum Tum Tugger, Ellie as Ariel, and Rissa as Mr. Mistoffelees.

Sinister Shadow: Okay, I upped the rating. I hope you still read because next chapter's going to raise some eyebrows as Iniss becomes…**_hot?_**


	4. CATS

Memo 4:

"YOU'VE GOT MAIL! YOU'VE GOT MAIL! YOU"VE GOT MAIL!"

I have no idea why my secretary decided to make my computer do that, other than ANNOY the KANDRONA out of me. She said something about an Indian friend named Darth Vader something and wanting to shout out to him. I don't know, I don't care. If it does that damn yelling at SEVEN A.M. one more time, _so help me_. I'll shove that thing down the toilet!

Anyways, what else could I do but see what jerk was e-mailing me? (Then find his address, have ten packs of toilet tissue and silly string, and let Rissa and Ellie have a fricking FIELD DAY.)

I opened the thing up before Ellie could come screaming into my room again. Depending on the fact that the last time she came in here at before eight a.m., she had weird green paste on her face and tubes in her hair, I believed it was a good, good, GOOD idea to open that e-mail ASAP.

Skip the boring address message crap. I scanned the letter: "Hey, Visser Three, yo! I'm Argil 763, and I'm new to the whole Visser system, seeing as I've just been nominated as the freshly minted rank of Visser Eight. Awesome, huh? I was wondering if you had anyone to go with to the party on…wow, what are the days on this planet? Anyway, man, I so have to get off soon, but I was wondering what I should wear, what with the whole costumes thing. I have a host with thick black hair, green eyes, and am basically in average human health. I don't think you have anything to worry about though, seeing as you're the only morph-capable Yeerk. Totally shimmie man. Anyways, later dude, Argil a.k.a. the best fricking V-8 ever. Wow, isn't that a kind of drink? SHIZZLES!"

Dude? Simmie? Shizzles? What was up with this guy calling me "man"? Was he a hippie--I hope not, bad incident in Purgatory. Or maybe a Hawaiian guy? Where do we _even_ get these _hosts_? I clicked out of my e-mails, scanned a few, um, interesting sites, and sighed off. After a moment in the crapper, I walked dazedly into the kitchen to be met with the perky crowd.

"Like, I can't believe there's a party going on! WHOO! I can't like wait to meet like all the cute hotties," Ellie drooled, crunching a bowl of pink Frankenberries.

"And we can wear costumes! I haven't been to anything like that in awhile after I led the TP-ing expedition last Halloween," Rissa beamed, twirling around with Silas wrapped in her arms. "OH! What can we do? Should we go with different alien species, or nightmarish monsters from human traditions and horror films, or…the possibilities are endless. And it's on tonight! We have to be quick!"

(Wow, you guys are even nuttier then yesterday,) I commented.

Without any warning, Rissa bounded over and wrapped her arms around my waist, dancing around. "You're only saying that because you could just change into a phoenix or a wolfman or anything within seconds. I have to find the right fabrics, the right decorations, everything to go along."

(Weird. This day has already hit asylum ville and we haven't even gotten out of the stupid apartment.) I mused, (I think I even got a date.)

"Like, it must be a nuthouse then!" Ellie quipped. "Who was it?"

(Some dapsen named Argil,) I muttered.

Rissa's jaw fell open. Anymore and it would have clattered against the tiled floor. "But Argil considers himself a guy, I should know. He's in The Demons with Sargimf." She leaned over to me and whispered, "He's gay, you do know that right?"

(EW! EW! EW!) I screamed. I turned around… (WHAT THE HECK! EEEWW!)

Sauntering into the kitchen was some man dressed in a black leotard. Repeat: BLACK LEOTARD. Not only that, he had a _frill_ of tawny fur around his neck and a similar _mane_ on his head, with fluffy, CAT ears overtop his human host's ones. A shiny belt was around his waist, with a tiger tail drooping from behind him. He face was make-upped to be feline in form, and he grinned fangs--real looking ones--at us.

"_And there's nothing to do about it_!" he proclaimed in song. "No one holds down the Rum Tum Tugger!" Wait, I recognized that voice…INISS?

"Have you been digging around in my closet again?" Rissa drawled. "Hey, that's it. We'll have _Cats_ costume. What better way to show one's true self then through the graceful, mystical, immortal spirit of the cat's wild soul? But I called Mr. Mistoffeless. He's my other favorite then the Tugger. Hey, Ellie, what're you--El?"

Ellie had her spoon half-way to her mouth, staring at the tiger-like feline costumed dapsen, who actually…didn't look like quite a dapsen. He had even ditched the GLASSES! Well, that would explain the yellow eyes. Duh Visser. DEE DEE DEE right there.

(Iniss, why're you in a costume…nine hours before the actual party?) I asked.

"All the cool kids are doing it," he answered.

"That's my step dad's favorite quote," Rissa laughed, actually not slapping Iniss within two minutes. Wow, that must've had magic in it, that leotard. "Okay, Ellie, you can be…Victoria. She does some pretty cool dance moves in the musical." She grabbed Ellie's arm and dragged her out of the kitchen, where I then heard a loud raucous of bangs and stomps coming from a closet.

Ten minutes later the girls strode back in, confident as ever.

Rissa wore an all-black costume with white chest, with sparkling glitter covering the fabric. She flicked one of her triangular ears, winked her now red eyes and wagged a black, furry tail. Ellie wore all white feline costume…with pink paws, pink ears,_ and _pink eye lenses. OH THE INFERNAL **_PINK_**!

All at once they began: "Macavity, Macavity, there's no one like Macavity. He defies the laws of gravity!" For some odd reason, I think they were glancing at me.

Then it hit.

(I AM NOT dressing up as a fricking CAT!) I yelled, leaping over the kitchen table to avoid Ellie throwing a PINK set of ears at my head. They bounced off my head and fell harmlessly to the floor. I committed a great test of acrobatic skills to dodge the glitter Rissa splashed at my face and the ears Iniss tried to stamp on me. (HAHA! You can't catch me! I'm the Visser Three man!)

My poor kitchen ended up looking like the Taxxon homeworld with pots and pans and utensils flying everywhere, clattering and jangling to the floor, along with cans full of soups and boxes of PRECIOUS oatmeal. But still I managed to dodge, for I was the great Andalite Controller.

"YAAHHH!" Iniss jumped onto the table and poured GLITTER on my tail. "See Visser, we make a great team already." Another FISTFUL of silver _glitter_. "We could take on the whole--V-visser, why're you looking at me like that?"

(DIE!) I chased after the god damn P.A., skidding hooves on the tiled floor and practically wrecking my whole apartment, just to put some vengeance on this moron. It was sooo Mission Impossible Four. Do do doo, do do doo, do do do do. Your mission: Destroy the evil incarnation of Glitter, can you do it?

Iniss raced toward the door leading into the hall, slamming his fist on the panel and glancing fearfully at me.

DING!

The door slid open and he made a run for it. OH NO YOU DON'T! I tore into the hallway, unable to slow the momentum of my hooves on steel floor, and slammed right into…VISSER ONE! AH! We fell in a tangle on the floor.

Unfortunately, she was first to regain her senses. He jabbed a finger in my face and screeched, "You-you!"

(Me, me what?) I asked stupidly.

She bit into her knuckles hard enough that I was amazed she didn't slice them off. "Isn't it pathetic that the only way for you to get on top of a woman is to run her over like that Mack truck?" she asked as sweetly as she could.

(Isn't it pathetic that it only took TWO bowls of oatmeal before you were DANCING and SCREWING with me?) I asked.

"Isn't it pathetic that--Iniss, what're you wearing?" Visser One asked.

Iniss pulled his mane back into place. "I am the Rum Tum Tugger!" He grinned and…I won't mention the thing he did with his mouth. "I'm the sexy, curious cat!"

"Figures you'd think that," Visser One sighed. "I think everyone's been sniffing the oats. It is a party made by MR. LOUD-AND-NASAL."

Iniss started crying like a BABY. "You'll see! You'll all see!"

Oh, didn't we…

--------------------------------

The party was like any party…DUH. Too many decorations for the fricking LORD of the LOUD and NASAL people. Geez, that guy's a geek. Unfortunately, he has a dark influence over many which lead to practically EVERYONE but ME with a costume. But hey, I'm the ONE and ONLY Andalite-Controller, so feh.

But anyways, did I forget to mention everyone--except the Taxxons doin' their own thing--was a CAT? I know! It was beyond WEIRD! Lions, tigers, Rum Tum Tuggers, oh my! Well, actually, the only people dressed as the rejects for that musical were Rissa (Mr. Mistofelees), Ellie (Victoria), Iniss (Rum Tum Tugger) and Sargimf (Munkustrap).

There was a dance floor (duh), a food table (duh) and a stage (half-duh!). Many Yeerks in human and Hork-Bajir were dancing in the middle of the floor, though, thankfully unlike a certain secretary and tree hugger I know, they kept to pairings within their own host species.

Anyways, I was there with the foursome and Visser One of all people. Councilor Four was out dancing with some ditsy blond human host, shaking his spotted leopard coat ass at everyone. Councilor Eight was nowhere to be seen (coughpimpcough).

"Wonderful," I drawled in my human morph, a guy I liked to call Rickie. Why Rickie? I have NOOO clue. "I'm stuck here with you losers."

"What ARE you supposed to be anyways?" Visser One asked.

"I'm the only sane male around here trying to keep his head above water," I answered.

"This _is_ the time to be THE ONE Thing you're NOT," Visser One commented, shrugging. "Where's Councilor Eight? He was supposed to be here TWENTY minutes ago."

Sargimf whistled. "I wonder…" He winked at the other Cat Rejects.

I heard Rissa whisper to him and Ellie and Iniss (who'd strangely gotten a confidence booster tonight), "And all through the night, not a sound was made, as Councilor Eight was caught with a blonde getting laid." She giggled. "But to make up for it, to make up our day, he makes a wondrous appearance in the kitty cat play." The others guffawed.

I had the strangest sinking feeling.

Ellie grinned at me. "Like, cheer up Visser, it's a party." She went over to the food table, bent over towards the punch bowl for a few seconds, and came back with two cups of red drink. "Why don't you and Visser one like, have a drink?"

"Sure," we both muttered. We both drained the cups in one gulp and…I had the funniest sensation. A giddy one that made me SMILE at Visser One. Even stranger, she SMILED back and GIGGLED. I've heard Visser One laugh, snicker and SNEER, but she only giggles when she's had…

BEER!

After congratulating myself for awesome poetry, I heard a snippet of Rissa and Ellie's conversation.

"Ellie, do you know where my extra bottle of Maibock went?" Rissa asked.

"Like, Rissa, it was like for a good cause," Ellie assured.

"That was what Seerow said before he ended up disintegrated…by the same Visser," Rissa grumbled.

The foursome of Cats ran off, disappearing behind the curtains onstage.

I grinned at Visser One--and I BLAME the ALCOHOL on this ONE--deciding to make her even _HAPPIER_! I spotted a balloon bouncing on the floor and--I have _no clue _as to where it came from--pulled a GREEN Sharpie from my pocket. I sketched a face on the white balloon and turned to Visser One.

"Look at me! I can rhyme!" I shouted. "Visser One, I'd like you to say HI to my best friend and brother Rickie the Lesser!"

"HIII!" Visser One exclaimed, obviously more drunked up then me.

"He can do impressions," I announced. I started squishing the balloon up and down. "My name is Councilor Four, and right now I'm acting like a man whore! HEHEHE!" I did a spin, thinking I was sooo COOL. "And I'm Ellie, and I like to say LIKE-IE!"

"He's good at this!" Visser One said.

"I taught him everything he knows!" I crowed.

Before I could make more of an ASS of myself, a Gothic kind of music started up. On stage, the scene changed into a dump. In the middle were…yep: Rissa, Ellie, Iniis, and Sargimf.

They started singing the song I'd heard Sargimf and Rissa sing yesterday, then Ellie started to spin. "Like there are like fancier names…like Victoria." She did another spin. I didn't know she'd taken ballet.

Sargimf jumped in front of her. "Or Munkustrap."

Rissa slid up beside him. "MRS. Mistofelees."

Iniss did a…BACK FLIP? "Or Rum Tum Tugger."

They left except for Ellie, in which the music changed into a ballet style. She started doing all the dance moves and spins and leaps, ending into a twisting pretzel kind of shape in the end. "Like, demonical Yeerks come out tonight!"

Suddenly, the music went into a rock-and-roll style. And jumping onstage was none other then…INISS? The "Rum Tum Tugger" started flouncing about like THE BOMB. And you know what added to the insanity? FEMALES were WHISTLING for HIM!

Ellie leapt to her feet. "_The Iniss 226 is a curious Yeerk_!" She jumped away as Iniss SWAGGERED beside her.

Iniss's song went a little like this:

"_If you offer me Hork-Bajir, I'd rather have the human race  
If you send me into space , I would much prefer the Pool  
If you put me in a Pool, I would rather be in space  
If you set me on a Bandit, then I only harass a Yeerk fool  
If you set me on a fool, then I'd rather an Andalite to chase_."

"OH GOOD LORD! I MUST STOP THE MADNESS!" I cried. I grabbed a…yes, PIE off the table and threw it into an arc.

Iniss saw it coming and KICKED it, sending it flying into VISSER ONE's FACE!

"HE IS SOOO DEAD!" Visser One snapped, drunkenness evaporating.

Ellie leaned against Iniss, "_The Iniss 226 is a curious Yeerk_!"

Iniss started up his song:

"_And there isn't any need for me to shout it  
For he will do as he do do  
And there's nothing doing about it…"_

Rissa crawled up onstage as well. "_The Iniss 226 is a terrible bore…"_

Iniss sang:

"_When you set me behind, then I want to get ahead  
I'm always on the wrong side of every mssion  
And as soon as I'm at home, then I'd like to leave instead  
I hate to lie in V-Three's submission  
But I'll make such a fuss, even if he chops off my head."_

Then Iniss went down on his knees and slid forward, arched himself back, held his hand behind his head, and…started jerking in a matter I won't describe. The DAPSENIZED females screamed in delight. It was GUT WRETCHING.

Rissa and Ellie sang at once: "_The Iniss 226 is a curious beast_!"

"_And there isn't any need for you to doubt it  
For he will do as he do do   
And there's no doing anything about it_."

During his song, a little part of me died, but another part, the ALCOHOL SON OF A BITCH said, "THAT'S MY P.A.! YEAH!" A dozen females followed in my scream.

Finally, the song winded down with Iniss simply standing there with Rissa and Ellie at his sides, swinging his REAR around like a Playboy, singing, "_And there's no doing anything about…" _Ellie started screaming as Iniss started rocking his hips back and forth. "_Aboooouuuuuttttt…."_

"AAAAHHHHH!" Ellie, of course.

Iniss pressed his fingers against her lips. "_About it_!"

There was a quick drum roll and the three disappeared as the lights dimmed, only one white beam outlining Sargimf standing off to the side. He rose his head slowly, looking seriously at the crowd. "Do you people want to get rid of those damn Andalites?" he asked emotionlessly.

"YEAH!" several people screamed. Morons…wait! I was one of them! Crap!

Sargimf sliced at the air, jumping to the tip of the stage. "Really?"

"YES!" several people cried again.

Sargimf grinned and stood, as new music started playing, a rhythmic drum beat. He started off:

"_You ought to ask Ms. Risika  
The original Conjuring Dragon  
The greatest Councilors have something to learn  
From Ms. Risika's conjuring turn…"_

A rope slid down from the ceiling, with Rissa, her black coat glittering ANNOYINGLY to say the least, but people were still hooting and cheering. She waved her arms about and cried, "_PRESTO_!" Instantly the light came back on. The dragon girl started dancing about the stage, spilling what appeared to be…SPARKS from her FINGERTIPS. Uh-oh.

Sargimf too danced in the sparks, singing:

"_And you'll all say:  
Oh! Well I explain! Could not detain  
A dragon as insane as magical Ms. Risika!_

"_She is loud and tall  
She is white  
From her nose to the tip of her toes  
She can survive the worst fight  
She can win without the blows._

"_She can change into any beast  
She is equally commune with the fire  
She's always lied to your small mind  
That hunting Dan Brown is her only desire."_

"OOH, AAH," a few people gasped as Rissa struck out at the curtains, which caught alight as if they caught on fire.

"Those special effects are sweet," I murmured.

"I DON'T think those ARE holograms," Visser One mumbled, shaking her head.

Still the show continued, as Sargimf sang:

"_And you'll all say:  
Oh! Well I explain! Could not detain  
A dragon as insane as magical Ms. Risika!_

"_Her manner is crazed and free  
You would think she'd need more meds  
But her voice has been heard from the highest tree  
When she was curled up on her bed._

"_And she's sometimes been heard on her bed  
When she was about in a tree  
(At least we all implored that somebody roared)  
Which is proof don't you see_."

"He's good," I commented.

Sargimf went on:

"_And not long ago this phenomenal dragon  
Produced seven tacos right out of a wagon!"_

Rissa produced a cape, a big, flowing red cape, out of nowhere and laid it on the ground. She started chanting. Nothing happened. She kicked madly at the lump somehow forming. Something moved. She said something that sounded like: "_MACAVITY_!"

Sargimf continued:

"_And you'll all say:  
Oh! Well I explain! Could not detain  
A dragon as insane as magical Ms. Risika!_

"_Ladies and Vissers  
I give you the maniacal  
Magical Ms. Risika!"_

Rissa grinned and pulled the cape off the hidden figure. "_PRESTO!"_

My human jaw practically fell off at the figure lying bound and helpless with a gag in his mouth squirmed. There was an unanimous gasp from everyone and…laughter? Who would be…SHUT UP ALLORAN!

Visser One was first to react. "COUNCILOR EIGHT!"

A muffled "Uhhmm oooff oommm" was his reply.

"This is tooo perfect," I commented, unable to keep from laughing.

Then suddenly, Rissa and Sargimf (Ellie and Iniss were probably backstage making out! SHHH!) yelled, "Now that we've caught the evil Macavity, it's time to bring out our own…Mungojerrie and Rumpelteazer."

I don't know how, I simply _knew_. I _knew_ who they were speaking about as they swept the dance floor with those evil, cruel glances. I also had a good feeling who when Ellie and Iniss appeared out of nowhere and DRAGGED Visser One and I onto the stage. Even more so when my secretary and the Hork-Bajir forced us into a pair of tiger-striped cat suits and black boots.

"Don't worry, Visser, we'll sing for you," Sargimf assured us.

Rissa and Ellie pushed the two of us onto the stage. Did you ever realize how HIGH up the stage is? Or how HOT it is? Or how HUMILIATING it is to have EVERY IMPORTANT YEERK STARING YOU DOWN like a piece of MEAT? Thought so.

"Don't worry, I have a plan," Visser One whispered, jerking her head towards the red EXIT sign behind the charred curtains. "Let them sing alittle, we dance alittle, and we motor our asses OUT OF HERE."

I nodded, my brain still a bit fuzzy on booze. I walked over to her and began to dance.

Rissa, Ellie, Sargimf, and Iniss ALL pitched in:

"_Edriss and Esplin,  
They're a furious couple of Yeerks  
As PMSing leaders, quick-change Vissers  
Hateful friends and caring jerks  
They have an awkward duration_

_Strolling along on Seerow's fate  
Before they leave us with mutilation  
Let's just say…theyshouldbemates."_

My cheeks flashed red and I glared at the clowns ruining my reputation, even though…shut up Alloran. I have SOME bit of reputation around here. Those morons were putting it through the shredder.

The song turned into a blur until Visser One nudged me, having practically led me all across the stage.

She pointed to the curtains and the EXIT sign. "RUN," she muttered, dragging me along before I could agree or protest.

I'll leave it at that, as I sooo love to make you wither with curiosity. But whatever happened, blame it on BEER!

Meow…I mean, until my return,

Visser Three, Esplin 9466

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**Uh-oh. What did they do? For those of you who HATE limes and lemons in stories, SKIP the first half of the chapter. And where the heck is Argil?**


End file.
